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“If there is one emotion that impacts upon men more than any other it is fear. Fear of being seen as feminine or womanly, fear of intimacy, fear of being vulnerable, fear of not being powerful enough, fear of not being in control, fear of losing, fear of rejection, fear of not being a real man. And often most powerful of all, fear of being seen as afraid. Male identity is bound up with fear.” ---- from Achilles Heel, magazine for men

Part I

of Three Parts on

Boys and Men

Our sons. When they’re born, we hold them in our arms, stroke them, soothe them and take them to our breasts. It’s the only time in their entire lives that they are permitted to be openly content in their helplessness, universally approved of in their total reliance on another human being and a female, at that.

By the time they’re two, they’ve heard it at least once, even if it’s not their parents who say it:

 “Boys don’t cry.”

 

 

 

If they haven’t absorbed that message by the time they’re seven, even the most nurturing, liberated parent begins to worry: “Other boys his age seem so much ‘tougher.’ What if there’s something ‘wrong’ with my son?”

 

By the age of nine, for sure, he’s got it down - the adults say fighting is not good, but they can handle that so much better than if they see him cry, any day.  He’s also learned that in order to be a boy, he can’t just be.  No, there are things at which he should excel, and other things he must deny, in order to prove he is what he is: a male. Throwing a ball hard is good, being afraid of bugs is bad. He can always hide the fact that he’s afraid of bugs, but the boy who can throw the ball fastest, will always be the better boy…every time.

 

By the time he‘s thirteen, society’s expectations have completely rent his psyche in two. He’s understood for years he’s not allowed to cry, but now he also knows, not only from his parents and teachers, but from his friends and even the girls who have become a big part of his life, that he’s not allowed to show when he’s sad, worried, or scared. By any means possible, he must never show he’s scared. Far better to be alone in fear and heartbreak, than be taunted for displaying these same.

 

 

He longs for affection, but that’s another outlet of sentiment he’s denied. His mother doesn’t  holds him anymore, hasn’t since he was a young child. Not because he doesn’t want her to, but because he mustn’t let anyone see that he still needs her touch. And now, just the smell of  the young woman sitting next to him in school, stirs longings. Of buried memories, long-ago contentment and new desires he’s only just beginning to recognize run deep inside him.  But he has to suppress those, too.

 

By the time he’s seventeen, what it is to “be a man” is so set in him, he no longer thinks about it. He has completely accepted his only two choices: to be  impenetrable, or just pretend, with all his might, to be.  He also thinks about war. What it means, and whether or not he should, or will be forced to, fight in one.

 

And by the time he’s thirty, when the woman by his side, his love, asks him, “What do you feel for me?”  He so much wants to tell her, but he can’t, because he’s never learned how.

Or maybe he no longer knows.

 

 

*** ****

* The title, “In Danger From The Outer World” is taken from the poem of the same name by Robert Bly.

 

 

Dear Neighbours:

Posting on VOX  has been such a  rewarding experience for me. I started this, my first blog, on the recommendation of my wonderful literary agent, who told me that blogging would be a great way to “build my visibility.”  But what started as a business action became an effort of love.  I’ve met so many remarkable individuals, through whom I’ve learned fascinating facts about the world.  It was an unexpected delight to find myself thinking about the people I write to and for every week, mulling over the every day events of their lives and learning about their part of the planet. Often, over dinner, when my husband and I first get a chance to chat after working in our perspective offices across the hall from one another each day, I tell him all about my new friends. The man in New Mexico who was first to say, “Welcome to VOX,”  the devoted father who calls himself after one of Michelangelo’s favourite expressions,  the brilliant young writer/construction worker, the wise, pretty woman in Canada who just got a new flat and posted it for all of us to see. Then there’s the  young mother in Orange County with the beautiful little daughter, the Australians who are celebrating the new start in their government, a lovely Brazilian who,though struggling with health issues, takes the time to reach out to others, a remarkable young woman who studies law, the funny, warm educator whose relatives steal her leftovers, the man from Cornwall who loves Greece as much as I do, the "Yankee" in the UK who met her husband the same intriguing way I met mine, the single parents who struggle on like heroes and write about their love for their children, artists, musicians, photographers, writers and…so many others.

It’s restored my faith in humanity to have firsthand proof that, way out far from my small spot on earth, there are so many people whom I’ve never met face-to-face, living constructive and noteworthy lives. Thanks to them and their writings on VOX, I now realise, with blessed relief, that the media’s dire predictions regarding our imminent destruction are likely exaggerated and generated to sell more newspapers.  I believe that the internet, though being used for all sorts of unsavoury purposes, will also accomplish something else, perhaps inadvertently. Perhaps it will save mankind. After all, how can any of us, from anywhere, desire to pick up guns and fight our friends, friends whom we’ve never met, but communicate with daily, no matter where in the world they might live?

Well, this week, I came up with yet another purpose for this blog. I’m extending an invitation to my new neighbours and friends to add, if you wish, your creative voices to my latest writing project. I’ve had an inspiration for a new work, based on some of the people I’ve met on VOX and a few experiences I’d had recently, for a novel this time. It’s less labour- intensive than my memoir has been  and its sequel is being and perhaps it'll be nothing more significant than a fun read. But to quote Nora Ephron, “fun is a much-underused word.”  So, I put this out to those who’d like to share their experiences with me, some of which I may adapt and utilise for this new project:

1) Have you ever experienced a very intense, unresolved love situation? A love that you wish you could revisit, just to tell the other person what you're still thinking, feeling? For example, do you have any grown children, a parent, or a sibling, perhaps, with whom you wish you had a closer or better  relationship? What about a former spouse or lover? A former friend? 

2) Have you ever felt the presence of, or do you believe in, ghosts, spirits? Do you have an experience you’d like to relate regarding these?

3) Have you or someone close to you, ever had a war experience? Particularly one that has to do with being on a ship or being a prisoner of war?

4) Have you ever met a person online, through a blog, chatroom or website, with whom you’ve become very close? (A non-romantic relationship, that is.)

Believe it or not, all of these situations will be part of my next story. I hope you’ll all participate and I look forward to hearing your responses!

Thank you in advance,
Patricia

 

So we all met up at Palo Alto Bowl for the same universal sort of troublemaking that always seems to follow me around...

We had this guy dressed in orange who didn't have a Vox and was in the lane over and was kind of interesting...

I took bowling action shots
Bo was forced to bowl with two hands:

Fun was had:
Night at the Roxbury was invoked:

Prizes were won:

We should coordinate some carpool plans if there are folks (like myself) who need transportation, and other folks with empty seats in cars who would be willing to provide it.  I guess if we just all left comments on a central post along with contact info, we could get that started, yeah? 

I'll kick things off then.  I'm in E. Oakland, need a ride, I could get to the Rockridge area or near CAL campus to meet people, if necessary I could even find a way to SF to meet a ride.  send me a pm if you think you can help me out.

comment away, lovelies.

Well hello there Bay Area Voxers. It's me, and here I am planning a little get together for us. Maybe you've been to one of these before and met everyone, or maybe you've never met ANYONE from online before. Don't be scared... We're all nice normal people just like you!

And hey... you know what normal online strangers do? They get together and go bowling! That's right... BOWLING... Welcome to the world of multi-coloured balls, funny looking shoes, and neon lights. Oh.. and disco music. Did I mention that?

Anyway, here is the info if you are interested:

When:
Saturday, Dec 1, 8:30PM - 10:30PM

Where:
Palo Alto Bowl
4329 El Camino Real
Palo Alto, CA 94036

Cost:
$17 per person for unlimited bowling from 8:30PM - 10:30PM. That's two hours of bowling!
It also includes shoe rental, prizes, snack bar, and bar specials

How to RSVP:
If you intend to come, please send me a private message with your email so I can add you to an evite. I find the evites are easier to keep track of, and they also send out reminders and stuff too. You do not have to post your email address in the comments. Please PM me your email address!
 
Feel free to leave complaints, death threats, love notes, and any other messages you might have to me in the comments.

Hi,

New to the group -- I live down in Redwood City and work as a Web master for the Palo Alto Medical Foundation.  I'm very active in Flickr and taking photographs but not done a lot of blogging.  So I look forward to writing and reading others information on here.  More information about me is in my profile.  The San Fran. pictures looked fun.

Here I is!! (nod to, I believe,The Little Rascals)

Hello peeps!! I've been out in the "real" world. Dunno who started the big fuss about that place!

Starting to catch up... has anyone else noticed a suspicious lack of posts about Vox meetups after they happen? Well, I have - so I shall forewith reconcile my portion of that.

The March 16 BayVox Meetup:

Hmmm. Well. Not what I expected. That's not a bad thing.... more of an "I see room for improvement - even if most of it is my own fault" thing.

I got to my hotel room around... 4? My long-time friend, Sean, decided to come by and take me shopping. We stopped in so I could meet a very travel-weary CupCate & Iain (and see their suite) before heading out. While at the mall, I decided a MAC makeover would be fun - not at all worrying that it would make me late for the meetup. Things I forgot or didn't realize/consider ahead of time were:

1.       The drinking started early at the Vox office

2.       The meetup started early (I don't know by how much but I know the sun wasn't out at 7p, the schedule start time, but is captured in a couple picks at the restaurant)

3.       Straights don't operate on "gay time" - so 1 hr late for an after work thing was a lot to many people (who were leaving, or had already left, as I came in)

4.       The meetup space was designed to hold maybe... 10??... people comfortably. We had at least 30 in there. Good turnout - bad design.

·          Note: this would be my sole critique of improvements not focused on me - even though I know it's the result of a lack of RSVPs and most of the group members playing "I dunno, where do YOU want to meet?". If not for Karen reserving this spot, I believe we'd still be looking for a place to meet!! So, props to Karen, and absolutely no disrespect intended to Deborah, ElectricFirefly, nor anyone else who made the meetup possible in the first place. But I still wish we'd had a larger space.

5.       The stairs to the meetup space were designed for acrobats who walk on pointe (completely un-secured banister and VERY narrow steps)

6.       Heat, including that of a hot day in a traditionally cold city and that associated with baking pizzas, rises (as in, to the 2nd floor meetup space)

 

I saw Mena on the stairs as I came in, said hello, and was completely confused by her total lack of response (rather more of a "deer in headlights" gaze). I now realize it was prob a combo of Voxer overload, heat overload, and desperate desire to focus on not falling down the stairs (no easy trick - as I would soon learn myself).

CupCate and Kristen were EXACTLY what I expected from their posts [this is good] - but even more so in real life. I applaud CupCate and Iain for not being cranky bitches all night (not even remotely so!!) after their long flight and being awake for more than 24 hrs.

Combining the heat with being late and how insanely crowded it was upstairs (the designated meetup space) made it difficult (for me, anyway) to meet/talk with people. It seemed that as soon as a convo started, I'd have to move to let someone through and the next thing I knew, I was too far away to resume the convo.

I eventually ended up at the base of the stairs, not eager to walk up them again (because it would mean another death-defying trek down) - which was convenient to talking to people as they left (hi, WarpedReality - I'm still using IE!!) AND to order drinks (bar was downstairs - as was the waiter for most of the night).

I talked to a couple who were with the meetup but weren't wearing tags - so I have no idea who they were (I'm HORRIBLE with names). The guy is a Voxer, planning to post art. The woman didn't Vox yet but took lots of notes on my comments. If you're out there - you guys were nice, please say hello.

I had a passing convo with Abject where I mentioned knowing his blog via someone else's hood. He guessed it was his wife, Deborah, with whom I also had a passing convo - but I still think it was somone else who had him in their hood. A female, who's vox name started with an "A" who was, ages ago, on the Explore page (cause that's a big clue, huh?). Anyhooo... thanks to being able to rename our pages, I now have no idea who I'm thinking of (despite searching to see who has Abject in their neighborhood). Abject & Deborah were both outgoing & friendly. I didn't really notice Abject's massive amounts of ink in person - I was more focused on his piercings (note: I highly respect both).

I was happy to see PantsParty in real life. Bummed when I learned that the infamous Rudy hadn't been at the 6A headquarters (so CupCate and Kristen didn't get to meet him during their tour). And love that Clamhead looks like her avatar.

I talked to a nice guy from Vox marketing... J.D... T.D... J.T.?? initial dot inital!! (did i mention names+me=horrible?). Nice guy. I think he said he posts jokes. I can't find him now.

I met Gladys - who made a wonderful impression on me because she's nice & outgoing - and I actually got to talk to her for more than 2 seconds!!

I was terribly happy about getting a Vox tshirt & sticker before they disappeared. I was even happier about finding a stash of pins & zipper pulls after the meetup broke up!!

When the meetup ended, with most people heading home or to karaoke, Kristen and her hubby (who's name I don't use only because he doesn't Vox... yet) decided to stay behind and have some food. Not being one for karaoke (I know I don't have a singing voice - why force the issue?!?), I decided to stay with them, got directions for the karaoke bar, and polished off the last of the beer as they ate. Plans were discussed of me taking Kristen to a gay bar but eventually settled on Kristen & hubby going back to our room while I tried to find the karaoke party.

I actually remembered the directions correctly but had Kristen & hubby drop me at the wrong corner of the right block. I checked out a line for a bar but it was not the correct one. I walked the other direction (which was correct)... alone... at night... in 5" heels... in a not so great neighborhood... not spotting a bar. After having a bicylist think I was hitting on him for asking if he knew the location of The Anti-Social Club*, I took refuge in the middle of the block as only I would - in a gay sex shop. The employees didn't know of the bar. I called 411 but they had no listing. The store employees directed me across the street to their straight sex shop... where the employees knew the neighborhood far better. But they didn't know of the club either - so I killed time, debating what to do next, browsing sex toys (bought the handy 3-in-1 keychain/flashlight/vibrator as a souvenir of the night!!), listening to the sounds of X-rated films in the back room, and having a good laugh as I was loud & obvious while the 3 male customers in the store were being all secretive & pervy.

I finally left the store, walked the rest of the block to the corner and caught a cab - at what I now know was directly across the street from *ANNIE'S Social Club - which was probably 3 doors from the 1st sex shop I entered and contained the Voxers with whom I wish I had been able to par-tay. Oh well... guess it wasn't meant to be.

Sean took me to The Cinch - a gay bar around Post/Polk (I think). We had a fun night out - despite, literally, THE WORST DRAG SHOW EVER - and I returned to the hotel room around 3a. I'm a light sleeper so when someone stirred around 8am, I decided it was time to wake up (sorry Kristen - I'm sure you wanted to kill me).

There were plans for me, Kristen, her hubby, CupCate, and Iain to meetup for breakfast on Sat but that turned into noon & lunch. While we coordinated, Kristen's hubby pointed out that it felt like the ground was moving - which he felt far longer than the rest of us. I had fun making fun of that - till later that night when I headed up the street to buy a soda and felt like I had vertigo (or was having some REALLY good drugs "peak") while standing at the store's checkout counter. It felt more electro-magnetic than moving... which turned into a fun little "Lost" moment for me as I imagined the countdown timer had run out.

Anyhooo... back to lunch... our meal was cut short as I was running majorly late for my walking tour of SF. However, the company was fun and time spent together was fun - especially the good gossip (no, I will not share - so don't ask) and the fact the 4 Voxers had the exact same meal, grilled cheese & french fries, at CupCate’s suggestion. I didn't get a "proper" goodbye CupCate or Iain - which is just as well as goodbyes make me weird - and cause I hope to see them again. Regardless, I will probably forever think of CupCate when I see Grilled Cheese on a diner menu!

Kristen and her hubby went home around 7pm and my Sat night was spent low key – adapting to my latest health issue: Sciatica, which caused insane pain from my right butt cheek (your welcome for the imagery) to my right heel. I believe my body may be on a quest to be a 1-person walking medical dictionary.

Sun was spent enjoying a delicious brunch with Sean and friends at Ramblas, in the Mission District. Followed by drinks at a well-hidden rooftop bar a few blocks away. Then drinks at Moby, in the Castro – which, as we stepped out of the taxi, I remembered that I HATE. I don’t know what it is about that bar but the men there do NOT like me. The classic moment at Moby (this trip) consisted of: I overheard a guy mention his age while talking with some of my group. I heard him say “37” and said, “oh, I’m always the oldest & fattest in bars, so you have nothing to worry about.” He asked my age, I told him, he said, “No – I said I’m FORTY-seven. So you’re not the oldest. But you ARE fat.” It was not said with humor. I might expect that from a 20-something queen, but not from a 47yr old business man. Whatev. Like I said – for some reason guys in that bar do not like me.

I would like to mention that in stark contrast to my last trip to the Bay (here, here and here), Sean was a WONDERFUL hostess. I believe the trick is to not stay at his apt - so we both have more freedom. And, for that, I once again highly recommend the Hotel Diva (and the entire Personality Hotels chain) - check TravelZoo for the best rates!!

In our next episode: How Boo saved all my kitties’ lives.

Bay Area Vox Meetup
Bay area Voxers had a great time this past Friday night at a meetup organized by electric firefly.  We all met at Brick House in San Francisco for food, drinks, conversation and exchanges like:

- "Hi I'm Steve."
- "Hello." [smile, handshake]
- "You know, Pants Party."
- "OH HI!" [big hug]

or...

- "I just met Cate, she's so awesome!"
- "CupCate or Kiss Me Cate?"
- "Well...both of them!"

Deborah's name tag stickers were really helpful, as they displayed each Voxer's Vox name and member pic!  Our Vox World Tour winners Kristen and CupCate were both in town so it was a special treat for everyone.  (You still have time to help build their trip itineraries in the Vox World Tour group!)   All the fun culminated in relocating to Annie's Social Club for some serious karaoke. 

Check out the Bay Area Vox Meetup group for a slew of photos and posts about the meetup. 

Honolulu, Hawaii Meetup
It's set for Friday, April 27th @ 7:00 pm at Ryan's Grill in Ward Center.  RSVP to this post if you're attending, and thanks to Miss Scotch and spooktastic for organizing it!

Paris Meetup
Our friends at Team Vox France have organized a nice party for Voxers on March 31st from 1:00-6:00 pm.   They're inviting Voxers to join them on a péniche at the Baleine Blanche at the Port de la Gare in the 13th District where they'll celebrate the theme of the "French touch" with French music, food, wine and more.  They'll also announce the winner of their Vox Banner Contest.

If you'll be in Paris and would like to attend, please send a private message to their events blog with your full name and email address.

Join the Meetup Group!
To keep all this meetup goodness in one place, we started the Vox meetup group.  Join it to organize and keep track of meetups in your area, and also to see photos & posts of your fellow Voxers hanging out in person.  Meetup attendees, please cross post to this group!

As always, if you have any questions about meetups, just send me a message.

-Krissy

i had such a wonderful time at the vox meetup at the brickhouse. i felt kind of funny interrupting the dinner of the voxers downstairs but i wasn't sure where to go. they directed me upstairs. i found the wonderful name tags and put mine on. then i milled around and hardly talked. then more people started showing up and i got over my shyness and had some great conversations. i also made some new friends which is also great. i'm looking forward to hearing from them via vox. i added pics that i took and hope you all like them. im not the best photographer. but i did get some nice ones :) i also added the hubby's vox: starfishy to my neighborhood. i'm glad he finally ventured onto vox. the next thing is to get him to help me put up my own banner. heh. well, that is all for now. hope you are all having a great weekend. :) *gives hugs* take care lovelies. here are the piccies:
*edit: there is a copyright thingie on the pics because of not knowing photobuckets policies all that well...just in case you all were wondering*